matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i will never coherently bang her
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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