I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
