we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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