My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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