Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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