Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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