This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
