A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
