I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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