I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
