"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
