i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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