Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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