u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I am midnight drunk by noon
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
