I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Text me some of your sweat
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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