I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
