I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
