I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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