If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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