So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
