Where is the hickey?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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