I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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