Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
