There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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