i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
