I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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