so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
