but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just had sex on a roof
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
