shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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