Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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