Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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