I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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