I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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