For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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