Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
and she was petting her beer can
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
