I accidentally burped into my bong.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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