I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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