Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
