Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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