After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
