you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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