just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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