Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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