how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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