Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
