I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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