Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
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I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
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They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
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