Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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