What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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