I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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