This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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