Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
