addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
