When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
