ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
