just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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