At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
