all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
