I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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