When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
