chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
