I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
