to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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