Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Randomize
